Fill again the hole in my heart..


"Nooooo.... How could this happen..."; "How could I continue my life without you... "; "Please don't leave us...."; "Daddy, wake mommy up!!!" Those sadly words that filled my mind and my heart that whole day, made me think, I'd never ever forget this gloomy day in my entire live and this sadness would follow my days later on..

On that day, the sky was dark blue, I thought it was definitely going to rain so hardly as the pain in my heart... Our house that is usually shining and filled with laughing and soothing, changed a lot that day... It was filled only with people and chairs... their faces were all full of sadness and the eyes were looking so pitiful at us, that were sitting exactly in the middle of the living room.. And there was also lying my beautiful mother, she was like sleeping silently, without a sound of breath, without a sign of liveliness anymore... just lying there right next to her dearest people...And there were also the four of us... I was next to her side, holding her cold hand, playing with her fingers, and looking at her face, didn't want to move my eyes anymore, just looked at her... My eyes were blurry because of the tears, but I kept whipping and whipping them away, so I could see her face, "my last chance, my last chance..I have to remember" I thought...My sister sat at my right, crying to the fullest of her heart, screaming the unreachable words for our mother... My father was sitting at my left, bowing his head and carrying my little brother on his lap that was half sleeping, tired from crying...
When they took my mother away from our house to the cemetery, it was a totally shock for us specially the children.. We were screaming, crying, begging them not to take our mother from our side... But there was nothing we could do, she was just not there anymore, it was only her body, we couldn't find her anymore there... The ceremony still continued until the afternoon, even after the cemetery there were still people coming to our house, saying their condolences... At the end of the day, my father could only sit at the couch, my sister and I keeping our self busy with the kitchen stuffs, but still there were our relatives there, helping us to clean up... Our house was likely not ours that day...There were just people everywhere, busy doing anything...

 It was the hardest and the longest day in my life... My heart was filled with aches, but still I had to help my family, taking care of my brother, helping in the kitchen with the dishes, cleaning our house, trying hard to smile and greeting the people... I had only in my mind, 'After this, the happiness in my life would be different, it would not taste the same anymore... My smile would not be as bright as before, because  this pain would not go away.. My heart would not full anymore, there is always a hole, that's taken away and nothing would ever filled that hole the same way as before'...

That night, the moon and the stars were still there in the sky at night, telling me a day was over and the next day is on the way... And on the next day, the sun was still shining, the clock was still ticking, people outside were still working normally like nothing was happened. Our father went to work straight that first morning, I think it was his way to move on his life and the second day that our mother not here anymore, followed my older sister, doing the same way as my father, went early to work and came late at night... At that time me and my brother, the only unemployed in the house that have the advantage to take several days off, spent most of our days in our rooms, we were just like couldn't believe that everything was real.. And after the third day, we're able to move out a little from our room... At first, we were sitting a lot at the dining table, we just  saw each other face to face, couldn't change words at all, just looked at our sad faces..
It took about couple of months that made our family back to normal again, although it was still not as normal as before, but there was at least a small laugh there again...


After a while...

And now, it is already six months since that day... I am the only high school-er in this house, the second person that is not working, is now taking the full responsible of the spoiled brat, that is just elementary school grader yet... I am also responsible for the house, make sure that our house is still appropriate to live in... My job is just to make sure both of our workers, which are my father and my sister, are feed enough after work, that they could sleep tightly at night and could rest without bother in a clean house on their days off...  You probably think it is a hard work for me, nooo.. it is not.. see, my job is just to make sure that everything is going under controll and going normally.... Because most of the job is already taken care by our housekeeper... hahahaha...

 When my mother was around, this kind of shiny afternoon is her most favourite, she would never let it go, a lot of activities would definitely happen... She would probably right now wiping her little garden, and then busy watering her plants collection, not forget shouting at my brother not to play with the birds and just do his homework, most likely full of live... And that garden duties is unhappily now also actually part of my duties, but sadly I don't take that love-plants-genes from my mother in my blood... I always put the job way behind till the end of the day then I totally forget about it... Remembering those beautiful days, I just sit at this veranda next to the garden still lack the will to do the garden, at the veranda that she made for the people to enjoy the view of the garden... But I believe at this moment, I am definitely not enjoying my sight of this garden.. The weeds that use to be green, now it is half the feld brown and half almost brown..  Couple of plants are almost dead and most of the ground is dry... This is most likely because of my laziness watering them... My only help is now only our housekeeper, but she is already busy with the house that's why it's likely if she forget about the garden... Sometimes we still like to sit at this veranda on the afternoon, but after seeing our garden, those rest three of the family usually give their sharp eyes direct at my way, give their look of blaming and then sighing... don't know what else to do... no one in our small house give a damn for this pity garden, but still they expect to see something flowering something growing from it... That is just my family...

When I was not finished day dreaming yet, there came my brother, half banged the front door and screamed "Sis Coco...Sis Coco... There is porridge guy outside the house..." We live in the capital city in South East Asian, it is not strange here that some people are going oround the neighbourhood, selling foods with selling-carriage.. And my brother likes those junkfood a lot, everytime he sees something like that, he would ask somebody next to him to buy it for him, because he doesn't have money yet.. The worst of it, he would leaves all the things that he does at that time, and searching for money that instance...And that habit of his makes my head always hot like a boiled water, to satisfy my emotion I yelled him back "And.. why are you telling me this?? As if I care..!!" He just came back from his friends house with his bike, I bet he just left his bike there on the grass and ran to the house.. Then he answered me back "Yeah.. I want..." I had not the attention to let he finished his words, I cut him and yelled at him a bit "Have you put your bike at the right place?? Where have you been till this hour?? Have you already done your homework??".. Not happy that he couldn't tell me what he wanted, he's just jumping and jumping, trying to cut me off too "You know what I want.. Come on...??" then I answered him "OK....OK...call him out!!" he thought.. 'aahhh...happy at last' "Okk...  now give me the mon.." but not smart enough, I thought, I have to tease him this time.."Ask him what time have we got now??" hearing that, all he could do, is just half crying... Fully satisfied all I could do is laughing at him while holding my stomach and pointing at him... Our small action unfortunately has waken the boss of the house, that especially got home that day early because of yesterdays late work, but not only that, it has also waken up his right mind to the left, made him out of his room and banged the door while he's doing that, not forgetting to yell at us "What the hell is happening here!!!" Find his defender at last, jumped my brother to his happiness "Daddy.. You're already at home?? I want some porridge and the porridge guy is now outside our house, if we are not hurry he would... he would... and sis Coco is just bad as she is.." knowing the situation as usual My dad said "Okk... now calm down, first, her name is Chica not Coco!! remember that!! and call the porridge guy and make an order for 2 portions.. I would love to eat some too.." with half smiling... then I followed my dad fast and said "make it three.. and don't forget to give him our bowls" My brothers mind was still in his angry mode and answered me "That name matches her exactly, and why don't you do it yourself!!!" As likely the boss reacted fast "NOW, stop it you two.. Mom would sad if she sees you guys like this!!!" The word "Mom" is still sensitive to our ears and dad knew it would calm us down... After hearing that sentence, my brother went directly to the front door to call the porridge guy and I went to the kitchen to take the bowls... we did that without changing a word to each other anymore...
At the end, the three of us just sit quitely at the dining table, ate our chicken pourridge... No one has the guts anymore to talk about anything..

On that night, father worked at the dining table and the children were watching tv.. Thanks to the oddnes of the structure of our house or is it because the style that my parents made, we have such a big living room that connect with all of the rooms.. The living room located directly in the middle of the guest room and the dining room.. Well you can't exactly say rooms, because from the guest room untill the dining table it is all open through.. When you come inside our house from the front door, you see our guest room that is filled only with one big sofa, two couches and one low table-guest, but from there you can also see the living room where there are two big parabola look a like chairs,  a big carpett where a lot of big pillows on the top of it and a big tv-screen.. Then next to all of it is our middle size dining table right at the end of this big hall... It is a bit comfortable, then you can sit on the dining table while watching tv... That's why most of us use to do our things like making homework or just like father did that night, doing some of his work but also peeking at tv most of the times...
My little brother sat at one of those parabol-chair and my older sister sat on the big pillow trying to concentrate on her favorite drama... Not forget to mention our housekeeper, that also sat next to my sister.. Both of them are dramas freak.. well my brother is just the hopeless fan of the main girl, and he just couldn't win against my sister, all he could do now just admiring the girl without any hesitasion to follow the story at all...

 And then the phone suddenly rang, the three of us rhymely answered "Daaadd... could you please..." My Dad was half waken, surprised to see us "What!!!" My sister, the most brave girl in the house that could talk back my father, answered him "Well you know, you are the closest from all of us" The phone is actually in the middle of the carpett and dining table, but it is exactly at the back of it, so noone definitely likes to take any phone while watching tv... With less power answered my father the phone "Yes, Sukamanju's speaking here"..."Oh... Hello..Long time no see..." someone familiar I think... started to be a little bit suspicious..who could that be?? I try to put my ears a little bit bigger that time.. You know a high school girl, who wants to know about anything.. My father was still speaking on the phone "Dinner??... When??... This weekend??... At your house?? Noo.. no problem at all.. but wait, I have to ask my staffs here" while his fingers 're closing the speaker, he spoke to us loudly "You guys, aunt Dina invited us to have meals at her house this weekend, you guys make that day open, wright!!!" That was absolutely not a question, it was merely an order from the chief to his employee.. Actually I am not used to talk back at my father, but this time is an exceptional, after hearing that name 'aunt Dina', I had to say something.."Waitt.. I can't.. I have plans already with couple of friends this saturday" After seeing my courage, followed my brother bravely "Me too..." But my father was clever enough "Well weekend is not only saturday you know, it could be also sunday" "I also have plans on sunday too" I didn't want to loose either... After observing and knowing the situation that we actually only wanted to avoid that dine-date, my father said at last his final words "Sunday is fixed, do not make any plan on that day, and this is an order!! don't play with me anymore!!" it was followed by his deep starring eyes that no one could answered anymore..


That Sunday...

And finally that frightening sunday arrived... I was trying so hard to put a bad mood in front of my father, but it just didn't work out... Since morning

 

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